my mind at unrest

I'll try to express how I feel at this point in my life. I am writing this because I may find the answer within from myself. Firstly I'm not sleeping cause I think that I have so many things that I have to fix and these include me focusing on the important stuff that is happening in my life.

I'm watching alot of videos and taking in alot of unnecessary information and doom scrolling alot. I have a solid life with no worry about the rent and food. I don't need to wash clothes or cook food. I don't need to engage on many minor activities in the life.. I've got it all paid by father. Okay! But nothing happens by itself. My father worked for the company and sacrificed his luxury and needs to provide it for me and our family.

That's exactly what I feel like I'm missing. The sacrifice part.. I am not sacrificing or am able to give back to my dad. I don't cause that man is almost 60 and have sacrificed so much for the better of his son. I was the one to fulfil them. He believed in me since the small age. And shaped me into the person who I'm today. But it's all because of his consistent efforts that I become an engineer. I myself have never known or wanted any of these. Father told me so I had to do it. I never knew and I still don't cause my self consciousness is still oblivious of what I'm supposed to do. I have to ask me about that but before that I need to end what has started. I need to make sure I am a man that my dad will be proud of. That's the first thing I need to do. I cried because I failed due to my own laziness and lack of seriousness towards my dream and reason for working hard. I have to give back to them and while doing that become a high value person. I have to gain back my respect and dignity and there is just one enemy in-front of me who is stopping me. AND THAT'S ME!!

I have to be is a man that could be trusted with various things and everyone can fall against in times of suffering and support. I need to be the pillar of support. That's the only real goal and the only purpose. The goal is to be the better man and do what a man is supposed to do. Gain respect for yourself have that inner dialogue and be sound within your skills and always chase knowledge. Who are the enemy that are preventing me from winning?

• Laziness
• Distractions
• No clear goals
• Self sabotaging But still I dont think I have the worst cause there are many with worse than me. Its just bothering that I'm not at the best. I'll try and try until the best of outcomes start to show up but for then I cannot sleep and my mind is at unrest.